This week, the Pats (4-2) hop on a plane to play against the hapless Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-6) in London. Outstanding.

In light of our international adventure this week, I thought I would offer Queen Elizabeth II some tips when meeting some actual royalty, in the personage of our own TFB. I’ve been watching that incredibly tedious “The Tudors” on Showtime, so I know what’s up.

• Do not attempt to touch TFB. You may shake his hand if he offers it, but do not attempt to initiate any type of physical contact. When shaking his hand, be mindful of the three ginormous Super Bowl rocks on his fingers. These are quite important to the people of the United States, and frankly, the World.
• You may initially address Tom Brady as “You Magnificent Bastard” or “The Greatest Active Quarterback in the NFL”, and simply “Tom Terrific” from then on.
• Typically, people meeting Tom Brady are required to prostrate themselves before him. In this case, because you are the leftover remnant of an aristocratic theocracy that once dominated the planet with a naval armada and continent spanning empire, a small curtsy will be acceptable.
• Attire will also be an important part of your visit with TFB. The typical conservative woolen/fur wrap and tiara , while exciting for delusional and juvenile women the world over, is not acceptable when meeting the Pats’ quarterback. I suggest purchasing a Tom Brady #12 jersey. We also have it in the female fit version. Highly recommended.
• Whatever you do, do not bring up the 2007 NFL season, Peyton Manning, or that time TFB was photographed wearing a New York Yankees hat. All of these topics are considered strictly verboten and would be considered an affront to the personage of Tom Brady.
• You may make limited eye contact with TFB, but do not attempt to stare him down or illicit any type of response in this fashion. General rule of thumb would be to simply avert your eyes.
• If you are graced with the opportunity to eat with Tom Brady, you must ask his opinion on what is the best type of food and beverage to consume while watching him break another ridiculous NFL record. Last week, he told the King of Jordan that Memphis style Ribs and a 12 pack of your own Bass ale would go splendidly with his 5 TD passes in a quarter. Both the food and the game were perfectly delicious!
• Do not turn your back on Tom Brady. He turns his back on you.
• Gift giving is frowned upon with TFB. His presence is more than enough of a gift to you and your tired, propped up “reign”. And you have nothing he wants.
• On Sunday, be sure to tune in and watch Tom Brady and the New England Patriots dismantle the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Pats are giving up 15 points to the Bucs. Put a few shillings on the Pats, Your Majesty.